Trump's modest proposal
Republicans scramble to defend a humiliating new executive order
In a surprise move this week, President Trump signed an executive order granting himself the power of prima nocta.
The Latin term refers to the (likely apocryphal) medieval tradition in which a king or lord could sleep with any underling’s wife. Perhaps anticipating a legal challenge, the order cited “centuries of tradition in classical Western civilizations, from ancient Greece and Rome through the European Renaissance.” The directive gives Trump the power to engage in carnal relations with the wife of any White House staffer, political appointee, senator, or member of Congress.
In a now-familiar pattern, Trump’s supporters in Congress, cable news, and on social media found themselves scrambling to publicly show their support for a policy that in any other era would have been indefensible.
Within 24 hours of the signing ceremony, Trump’s advisers were able to cite legal scholarship in support of the policy. In an article quickly published online by the Claremont-VDARE Journal of Law and Physiognomy, academics Randy Barnett, Ilan Wurman, and Kurt Lash made the case that “history and tradition” supported the new policy. “The doctrine of droit du seigneur or ‘right of the lord’ is mentioned throughout the Western canon, from the Talmud, to Herodotus, to medieval Europe,” the three scholars wrote. “We’d also recommend the president adopt the medieval policy of of merchet — or the marriage fine — which was sometimes paid to a lord in lieu of letting him sleep with a fresh bride. This would make the prima nocta policy more palatable to the public. It would also allow the president to politely decline conjugation with unattractive wives. Finally, even a man as virile, robust, and genetically gifted as the president might find it physically taxing to bed every subordinate’s wife.”
A reporter pointed out to Barnett that historians generally believe prima nocta to be a myth, and that figures like Herodotus mainly invoked it to portray rival societies as barbaric — often falsely.
“No one cares,” replied Barnett, who lost the only Supreme Court case he has argued. “This is a game, man. Legal scholarship these days is about giving five justices enough plausible-sounding garbage to fill their footnotes.”
Barnett, who recently compared Trump to God, added, “As a legal scholar, there’s nothing more invigorating than getting a federal court to sign onto some bullshit you made up out of whole cloth.”
Back on Capitol Hill, most Republicans were publicly supportive but privately furious.
“This was once a party of principle,” said one longtime GOP congressman, who requested anonymity so Trump’s supporters wouldn’t murder his family. “When this was Ronald Reagan’s party, you knew where we stood. No one would have questioned our principles on important issues like tariffs, Russian imperialism, or other men fucking our wives.”
“It does feel wrong on some level,” said one senator from a midwestern state, who also requested anonymity so Trump wouldn’t belittle him on social media. “But we supported this president after he made racist comments about the senate majority leader’s wife. We supported him after he was credibly accused of sexual assault, and despite sexual misconduct accusations from dozens of other women. We voted for his secretary of defense nominee after he was credibly accused of raping another Republican’s wife. I don’t know why anyone would think we’d draw the line here.”
A few Republicans were willing to speak under their own names. “Look, the man has already humiliated my wife and father in a very public way,” said Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. “I still endorsed him, voted for him, and have spent the last decade groveling before him. I relinquished any claim to chivalry a long time ago. That said, the president seems to think my wife is hideous, so I’m probably in the clear.”
On Elon Musk’s social media site X, an army of verified MAGA influencers — most with ancient Roman busts and anime characters as avatars — praised the move as “epic,” “King shit,” and “God tier.” “We demanded an American Caesar,” user SullaMaximus posted to his 800,000 followers. “And short of slaughtering a few million Gauls, banging senators’ wives is as Caesar as it gets.”
“Holy shit! Total apex predator move!” wrote X user BasedWesternCiv, under an ad for a horse sweat and frog semen supplement touted as both a substitute for the polio vaccine and a treatment for erectile dysfunction. “Trump just made every dude in Congress a pathetic cuck!”
Musk himself also weighed in. “As a man who spreads own his sperm around like a garden sprinkler, I know what it means to be an alpha male,” Musk wrote. “And when the American people elected Donald Trump by historic margins, they chose him as America’s top alpha male.”
The Tesla and SpaceX CEO then quoted at length from a book on evolutionary biology self-published by a pickup artist, went on a wide-ranging, ketamine-fueled, 28-tweet rant, and finally concluded, “ . . . and that’s why it will always be Rhodesia to me.”
White evangelicals also praised the move. “President Trump was anointed by God,” said TV evangelist Hank Kunneman. “Who are we mere mortals to question His judgment? Did Joseph question God when his bride Mary turned up pregnant? What man wouldn’t want a prophet’s seed to find purchase in his wife?”
Reaction from Democrats was mixed. “President Trump thinks he can screw my wife?” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said. “Well . . . we’ll just see what John Roberts has to say about that.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, meanwhile, cautioned members against indecorousness. “I understand that people are upset,” he said, “But let’s not resort to name-calling just because the president slept with your wife. That isn’t going to bring down the cost of eggs.”
Other Democrats were more impassioned. “This is rape!” Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said in a video posted to the social media app Bluesky. “It’s rape! Do you Republicans have any honor at all? Do your wives have any agency at all? What are we even doing here?”
But moderates warned that such reactions played into Trump’s hands. “The woke scolds are again showing just how out of touch they are with the American people,” longtime strategist James Carville said on Bill Maher’s podcast. “Look at Bill Clinton. He got around. I mean lord, that man could fuck. And people loved him for it.”
“Cuckold porn is hugely popular, and also nothing to be embarrassed about,” Maher added, helpfully.
“Here’s what these ivory tower elites need to understand,” Carville went on. “The average working class man wants nothing more than to come home from a hard job, crack open a cold beer, and watch a more powerful man make love to his wife. Until Democrats learn that, they won’t win another goddamn election.”
Trump announced the new policy at an Oval Office signing ceremony, joined by Vice President JD Vance, House Speaker Mike Johnson, and their wives. Sen. Lindsey Graham was also present, accompanied by a buxom, retired porn actress who goes by the stage name, “Candi Speckle.”
After Trump signed the executive order, Vance addressed his fellow Republicans. “You have wisely entrusted the care of this country to the strong, loving arms of President Trump,” Vance said. “Any Republican who resists this order will have to explain to the American people why you wouldn’t entrust your own wife to those same strong and loving arms.”
Johnson provided some ecclesiastical context for the new policy. “In the Old Testament, the Lord permitted concubines and polygamy,” he said. “So we know that His view on these issues can change over time. None of us knows God’s plan. What we do know is that President Trump was sent by God to lead us. And if God’s vessel wants my wife as his own, different kind of vessel, who am I to tell him no?”
Johnson seemed on the verge of offering up his own wife when Trump’s eyes grew wide. The president then leaned back, glanced at Vance, and made a throat-cutting gesture. Vance then abruptly interrupted, butting in front of Johnson at the podium and pushing him to the side. “The president very much appreciates the Speaker’s support,” Vance said.
According to White House sources, Trump initially planned make Usha Vance his first trophy, telling staffers, “JD’s been getting a lot of press lately. A lot of press. And that’s good, I support that. But not too much press. He can’t get too much press. There has to be a limit . . . I’m the president. Maybe JD needs to do this for me.”
But sources say Trump backed off the idea after Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller threatened to resign. “Not every wife is deserving of the presidential seed,” Miller allegedly said at a staff meeting. When asked which “type” of woman Miller meant, he replied, “Oh, you know the ones.”
Graham spoke last, and announced some news of his own. Earlier that day, the longtime bachelor and Ms. Speckle had wed. “It’s finally time for this tomcat to settle down,” Graham said. “And Candi and I would be honored to have you over for dinner, Mr. President.”
Trump shook Graham’s hand and looked Ms. Speckle up and down before returning to the lectern. “What a man. What a senator. What a man.” Trump said. “Lindsey and I have had our differences, but he really gets me. Nobody gets me like Lindsey. Thank you for the invitation, Lindsey. I’d like that very much,” Trump said. “Make sure to serve something I like. And you know what I like.”
“I love mushrooms!” Ms. Speckle then exclaimed, twirling a strand of hair.
The room fell quiet for several seconds.
“Not a mushroom,” Trump said, his wide grin tightening into a scowl. “Maybe not an oak tree either. But definitely more oak tree than mushroom. ‘The Mighty Oak,’ they call it.”
[This post is satire.]
Anyone else need to re-read the title to make sure it was actually satire?
It would be funny if it weren't so believable! (though I just finished watching the premiere of the final season of The Handmaid's Tale, so I'm a little shook!) Great satire, Radley! :)